Shame is an interesting emotion. It creeps up when we least expect it—often when we're reaching for more than we’ve been told is "enough." It whispers, "Who the fuck are you to want more?"
Let me tell you about a recent experience. I attended a morning networking meeting, feeling good about the things I’m working on, when I shared a new initiative I was excited about. And just as quickly as I spoke, someone joked, "Oh, you’re greedy, Ali. Trying to get it from both ends?"
Now, I know the comment wasn’t meant to offend, but in that brief moment, I felt a twinge—a tiny, uncomfortable wave of shame.
I patted my stomach and said, "yeah, I’ve got a big appetite," but I was still questioning: "Am I greedy? Is it wrong to push for more when leaving opportunities on the table is the real waste?"
That twinge of shame made me pause. Where did it come from? It’s not as if there’s anything inherently wrong with wanting more. Why should I—or anyone—feel guilty for striving for a better life, for pursuing opportunities, for reaching further?
See here’s the thing: I lived in Asbury Park, NJ in the 80s—when people thought about it the way many Americans think of war-torn countries in the Middle East—until I was about 8 or 9.
Now, the typical household in the city earns just $39,324 a year, about $18,000 less than the typical American household. Plus it’s located in Monmouth County which has one of the highest costs of living in the country.
My family always had a roof over its head and food in the fridge. Even if that food was a ketchup and mayo sandwich at times. We worked hard—in school, at work. We did what we had to, brick by brick, to get ahead.
I remember all the times I felt ashamed around peers, mostly from upper middle-class White families, when they talked about their homes, possessions, and travels.
In fact, one of my most recent experiences left me feeling like a fraud; like I pulled off the most amazing con job and I tricked these people into letting me in their circle. I remember feeling haunted by this whisper of "I don’t belong here."
Sure enough — that internal belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy which I won’t go into here.
But I remember how visceral that feeling was and how much personal work it took to break through the bulk of the beliefs of being unworthy, unwanted, and undesired.
So being hit with that twinge of shame this morning was a perfect reminder of how the work is never done.
Shame doesn’t shout; it creeps up your spine and tries to paralyze you.
Shame is a ninja; striking at the most unsuspecting times with deadly efficiency.
It can show up in the concern of a friend asking, "Why are you working so hard?," or "Doing XYZ sounds like a lot of work," or "How are you going to make that happen?"
But you have to remember that sometimes these remarks are often projections—people projecting their own doubts and limitations onto you. And suddenly, you're left questioning your own ambitions.
We have to learn to recognize those moments for what they are. It's not about who thinks you’re aiming too high or being greedy. It's about whether YOU believe your goals are worth pursuing.
Many of us are afraid to ask for more. Why? Because somewhere, we learned that wanting more—success, happiness, fulfillment—is something to be ashamed of. We start to believe we should just be grateful for what we have, and to strive for more is selfish.
But is it?
Looking back, I realize how often I settled for less out of fear. I didn’t want to rock the boat or risk abandonment. I tolerated shitty behavior, accepted the bare minimum, and convinced myself it was enough—fearing I’d lose connection or be judged.
When this shame is internalized, we convince ourselves we’re wrong for wanting more, and so we shrink, we play small, and deny our own potential.
Here’s the truth: It’s okay to want more. It’s okay to have big dreams, to pursue them fiercely, and to not apologize for it. As long as you’re not harming others in your pursuit—why hold yourself back?
There will always be people who feel some type of way about your success. They may unintentionally shame you because they’re too afraid to chase their own dreams. But their feelings aren’t your responsibility. Your responsibility is to go after what you want—ethically, honestly, and without guilt.
The next time you feel that twinge of shame, when someone subtly suggests you’re too ambitious, remember—it’s okay to want more. It’s okay to chase your dreams and strive for better.
And if they "reject" you, it’s OK. As much as it hurts, you’re not being rejected, you’re being released to go after everything you want and desire.
As long as you’re true to yourself and your values, don’t let shame hold you back.
You deserve more than just "enough." You deserve everything you’re willing to work for.
— AJT